Just another WordPress.com site

How I changed my life to find happiness

Sometimes the pursuit of one’s career can take you on a path you may think is completely wrong until sudden signs appear showing you that indeed you are on the ‘right’ path. You might experience a dejavu or times when you know exactly what someone is going to say. Often times just when I think my life has gone astray I will have the most reaffirming moments. These times in my life has been so confusing and awful sometimes that I doubted I would ever get what I want.

Ever since I was a kid I always thought I didn’t belong, that I was part of  the wrong family, born in the wrong country. Something just never made sense to me. There was something inside me that was different then everyone else. I never understood kids my own age. I never had friends. I always hung out with adults and watched David Suzuki. I was fascinated by lost cities and amazon adventures. I dreamt of far away lands and about things i’ve only heard of on TV. I never wanted to be a part of my reality, for me it was living a lie. As I grew older I found a sense of freedom looking at travel brochures and fantasizing about being the surfer girl on the beach. The girl who looked so happy and free. I wanted to live a life of blue oceans, palm trees and beach fires. I wanted to be free. All through school I never really had any goals. I tried to be like the boys snowboarding and wake boarding. When I started doing these sports there were hardly and girls. I remember there were like 5 of us in a sea of boys. Not such a bad thing because we learned to be tough and fast. These were good training grounds for my later life.

After high school I took my first vacation to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. I was mesmerized by all the people living there from North America working at various jobs and partying. I was convinced this was the path to were I wanted to be. When I got home I began working on a series of things that would get me there ,until one day my aunt told me that my dreams were not real life and I needed to grow up, get a job, a mortgage and a husband. Not long after that I married, made a career and got a mortgage. I tried to pretend to be something I was not. I lived the life everyone said I was supposed to but I had never felt so alone.

Shortly after my divorce I traveled South America in search of my soul. Months into my trip I discovered a place that made me feel whole. A place where I felt I belonged. I did not know why but I stayed there for a year and a half, learned to kite surf and became that girl in the pictures. I’d never felt so alive, so free.

Now, my life is spent trying to keep up with my dreams, to not go back to the life I so once hated. This road has been a bumpy one and i’ve had to give up absolutely everything in order to live it but I would not change it. I once gave up and tried to go back to a “normal” life. After about 2 1/2 months I thought I was going crazy. That life is not for me. I don’t know how to live it. I never did. When I say kitesurfing, traveling and freedom is in our soul, I really believe that. I’ve always been this person I am today, I just didn’t know how to do it.

I wish school would have taught us about who we are instead of what we are supposed to be. I wish we were given the skills and knowledge to chase our dreams. As we enter the world in our teens we are really clueless as to what our options are. We do not feel it’s acceptable to be what we want to be. If I have any advise to give it’s this. Don’t wait until your 30’s like me to discover yourself. Don’t get sucked into a life that is not right for you. If you dream is to work at subway then just be the best subway artist you can be. Life is too short. If you want to read more about my journey to freedom read this article: Kitesurfing Love Affair with Jessica Winkler


4 responses

  1. Sue Sitzmann

    I am so happy I “stumbled” on your blog, but DEFINITELY NOT by accident…more like “divine providence”. I believe I’m probably way older than you, yet, I, too, always felt “out of place” growing up. I have wanted to be a philanthropist my whole life even before I knew there was a word that described it! I wanted to travel…have always been drawn by certain environs, most especially the ocean and mountains. I, too, married (just celebrated 30th wedding anniv. two days ago) and raised two sons. But now that old wanderlust that I ended up “squashing down” for the past 30 years has recently surfaced and is calling me to follow my heart and dreams which I shelved for all these years. But, unlike you, I’m still scared (don’t want to be). I want very much to follow my passions, but my passions seem to be everything so that makes it all a bit confusing, too! I would love to know more about how you decided the time was right and what you’ve done to help support your dreams! Thank you for sharing this!

    June 22, 2011 at 6:00 pm

    • Hello Sue,

      Thank you for your comment. It’s not easy to admit that in our lives we are not satisfied in our day to day routine, that our husbands and children do not full fill every part of our soul that there is more to us. We are creatures of habit. That “suppression” part of our soul, the running on auto pilot is not healthy. I believe that is why so many people today are on prescription drugs. When that yearning part comes too close to the surface and we don’t know what to do we look for ways to push it back down with pills, drinking, over exercising, eating or whatever numbs you. Being scared to follow your dreams is what debilitates us from movement, it caps us as human beings from reaching our full potential. Taking that step forward can have big consequences. When I did it I lost everything, my job, home, husband, friends. I gave up my entire life and walked the other way. I don’t advise this way of doing things but I reached the end of my rope. I was so depressed and lonely I didn’t know what else to do. I hated the life I was living. I felt everyday was the same, and I was trapped inside someone else’s life.
      I can tell you one thing, I did not just wake up done day and change my entire life without fear. I was scared to death. It took my 2 years to get up enough nerve and confidence to step out on my own. The only way I was able to do it was from making a plan and taking baby steps towards it, then faith led me the rest of the way. Faith in myself and faith in the fact that “god” in whatever form it is has a better plan for me. I’ve always taken comfort in knowing that i’m not that smart and i will make mistakes but as long as I do the best I can and listen to my heart then its the right thing no matter how hard it is. I have many days where I look around and wonder how I got myself into situations and how is going to happen next. God does not pick the route for us we would have chose but it’s the best way once you get there. It’s hard. It’s ugly sometimes but I can tell you one thing, God is not out to screw us over. He wants what’s best for us and you have to trust that with every cell in your body. Everyone has different situations in life and I will share my route with you, hopefully it will help you to discover what is right for you. The next blog will be my story.

      June 23, 2011 at 5:35 pm

  2. I am yet another person that was googling and stumbled apoun your blog, and boy am i glad! Very inspiring to read about someone who feels similar to the way I do. School tells you what to be from an early age, not how to be what you want to be 😉 AGain very inspiring to read about your journeys to find the real you 🙂

    November 16, 2011 at 7:46 pm

    • Hello… Thank you very much for taking the time to read my blog and respond. I did read your comments and it’s refreshing to hear your point of view. Sometimes I get a little discouraged with repetitive mistakes I make in choices of men so hearing what you say tells me I need to expand my horizons 🙂

      December 22, 2011 at 5:49 pm

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s